Definition of first impression:
the initial information received about and impressions formed of an individual, which can be difficult to forget, even when they are contradicted later
Definition of fish bowl:
1. a state of affairs in which you have no privacy
2. a transparent bowl in which small fish are kept
As church workers and families of church workers, we are familiar with these terms. We experience this during field work, vicarage and call. We are being watched from every angle.
There are preconceptions for church workers and their families. These expectations can range from how a child is disciplined, whether the wife works, the pastor's hair style and which vehicles they drive. Most of us are people pleasers. And, naturally, we want to make a good impression. This can be stressful.
Here are a few bits of advice from fellow fish bowl dwellers:
In a new place, sometimes we may draw inward because of shyness, knowing we will be living in a certain place for a short time, or we're afraid of losing further privacy: "Think about what you will miss out on if you don't put forth the effort to get to know people." Embrace where you have been placed and embrace the people.
~~~
We had been here a few weeks and the paper had just published a simple article about us -mostly my husband's education background and from where we originated. That morning I walked into the thrift store and got a "Wait- aren't you from the paper!?"
Then I went into the grocery store and a little old lady snapped, "Hey! You 'guys' have to eat too?!!!"
I calmly replied with a smile "Yes! Incredible, Aye?" and she continued "Not only that, but I LOVE it!" she cackled. Yea- it was a cackle.
I felt really uncomfortable. Of course I eat. I'm not a Kranken from the sea. If she did come to that stark realization right then and there I'm thankful she just announced it- because that is an important realization- vicar's/pastor's families ARE human. But- if she was being snarky, I feel feel that's too bad.
I shared this story with you because I think we all are going to have that 1st moment (and 2nd and so on) where we are set back with realization of how powerful these preconceptions are.
In fact- I have caught MYSELF- a vicar's wife- battling my own preconceptions about these positions. Now you know they must be powerful if I have preconceptions about my own position! HA!
~~~
In my mind I had a vision of how a vicar's wife or pastor's wife is supposed to be. Nearly perfect. (Shouldn't be too hard, right? ;-)) And my mission was to meet and exceed that ideal. Well, just days into vicarage, something I said to the pastor wasn't perceived as I had intended it to be understood. And then it happened again. I feel like a failure. My stint of feeling like the ideal vicar's wife lasted only a few days. So much for perfection. My enthusiasm deflated as a sense of failure took its place. My husband said with an encouraging smile, "Just be yourself and do your best." Seeking the Lord's forgiveness and guidance, I look onward with a different perspective. There are no cookie cutter vicar's/pastor's wives out there, we're all different and we all have different talents and character traits to offer. We're human, we mess up. And really, from a parishioner's point of view, I think a vicar's wife is be more approachable if I saw that she had imperfections - just like me. :-)
~~~
A woman came up to me after church and said, "Hi, I haven't met you yet. My name is Barbara.* What is your name?" I responded with my name, mentioning that I was the new vicar's wife. Barbara smiled shyly and said, "Ohh, well, I'm just one of the people in the pew." Giving an empathetic smile, I said, "Aren't we all?" She blinked and said with a glowing smile, "Yes, I suppose that's true."
*Name changed for privacy.
~~~
I try to remember advice I was given by a seasoned pastor's wife: "Let them love you".
~~~
I've discovered that there are ALWAYS expectations of the pastor's wife (esp in regards to what the last one did). BUT most parishioners either do recognize that you are a different person or they will after you gently explain that you don't play organ or don't feel comfortable leading LWML, etc. (unless, of course, you do or want to!) A kind word and gentle response from you usually helps to clear up misconceptions best - and just be patient. Also - former pastor's wives can also be pushy about what you should be doing, depending on their personality. (I had adult organ lesson books left here for me as a not so subtle hint that I should learn organ...) And you may find items left behind in the parsonage, like we did. Make your home and your church involvement your own and don't feel bad about it! :) Parishioners love you for who you are, so don't feel like you have to fit a mold of any kind. Just love them back! :)
the initial information received about and impressions formed of an individual, which can be difficult to forget, even when they are contradicted later
Definition of fish bowl:
1. a state of affairs in which you have no privacy
2. a transparent bowl in which small fish are kept
As church workers and families of church workers, we are familiar with these terms. We experience this during field work, vicarage and call. We are being watched from every angle.
There are preconceptions for church workers and their families. These expectations can range from how a child is disciplined, whether the wife works, the pastor's hair style and which vehicles they drive. Most of us are people pleasers. And, naturally, we want to make a good impression. This can be stressful.
Here are a few bits of advice from fellow fish bowl dwellers:
In a new place, sometimes we may draw inward because of shyness, knowing we will be living in a certain place for a short time, or we're afraid of losing further privacy: "Think about what you will miss out on if you don't put forth the effort to get to know people." Embrace where you have been placed and embrace the people.
~~~
We had been here a few weeks and the paper had just published a simple article about us -mostly my husband's education background and from where we originated. That morning I walked into the thrift store and got a "Wait- aren't you from the paper!?"
Then I went into the grocery store and a little old lady snapped, "Hey! You 'guys' have to eat too?!!!"
I calmly replied with a smile "Yes! Incredible, Aye?" and she continued "Not only that, but I LOVE it!" she cackled. Yea- it was a cackle.
I felt really uncomfortable. Of course I eat. I'm not a Kranken from the sea. If she did come to that stark realization right then and there I'm thankful she just announced it- because that is an important realization- vicar's/pastor's families ARE human. But- if she was being snarky, I feel feel that's too bad.
I shared this story with you because I think we all are going to have that 1st moment (and 2nd and so on) where we are set back with realization of how powerful these preconceptions are.
In fact- I have caught MYSELF- a vicar's wife- battling my own preconceptions about these positions. Now you know they must be powerful if I have preconceptions about my own position! HA!
~~~
In my mind I had a vision of how a vicar's wife or pastor's wife is supposed to be. Nearly perfect. (Shouldn't be too hard, right? ;-)) And my mission was to meet and exceed that ideal. Well, just days into vicarage, something I said to the pastor wasn't perceived as I had intended it to be understood. And then it happened again. I feel like a failure. My stint of feeling like the ideal vicar's wife lasted only a few days. So much for perfection. My enthusiasm deflated as a sense of failure took its place. My husband said with an encouraging smile, "Just be yourself and do your best." Seeking the Lord's forgiveness and guidance, I look onward with a different perspective. There are no cookie cutter vicar's/pastor's wives out there, we're all different and we all have different talents and character traits to offer. We're human, we mess up. And really, from a parishioner's point of view, I think a vicar's wife is be more approachable if I saw that she had imperfections - just like me. :-)
~~~
A woman came up to me after church and said, "Hi, I haven't met you yet. My name is Barbara.* What is your name?" I responded with my name, mentioning that I was the new vicar's wife. Barbara smiled shyly and said, "Ohh, well, I'm just one of the people in the pew." Giving an empathetic smile, I said, "Aren't we all?" She blinked and said with a glowing smile, "Yes, I suppose that's true."
*Name changed for privacy.
~~~
I try to remember advice I was given by a seasoned pastor's wife: "Let them love you".
~~~
I've discovered that there are ALWAYS expectations of the pastor's wife (esp in regards to what the last one did). BUT most parishioners either do recognize that you are a different person or they will after you gently explain that you don't play organ or don't feel comfortable leading LWML, etc. (unless, of course, you do or want to!) A kind word and gentle response from you usually helps to clear up misconceptions best - and just be patient. Also - former pastor's wives can also be pushy about what you should be doing, depending on their personality. (I had adult organ lesson books left here for me as a not so subtle hint that I should learn organ...) And you may find items left behind in the parsonage, like we did. Make your home and your church involvement your own and don't feel bad about it! :) Parishioners love you for who you are, so don't feel like you have to fit a mold of any kind. Just love them back! :)
Dear sisters in Christ, be yourself. Be a God pleaser, not a people pleaser. (When you're a God pleaser, you'll be pleasing the right people anyway.) Reach out to the people of your congregation and let them love you. Bloom where you are planted.
Galatians 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
John 13:34 ...Love one another...
I love this blog! I've been so excited to see how it all came together! What a relate-able topic for many of us, and a nice assortment of views and encouragement. Ps- also love the transition from fish in bowl to blooms in fish bowl <3
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